Resigned to Life
I went to church today.
Felt alone, even though I was surrounded by hundreds of people. The pastor was great. Dynamic. Went through the loop of overcoming challenges: trust God, let go, listen, have faith, victory. Had the crowd of worshipers in a “praise God” frenzy. A lot of amen’s and hallelujah’s.
I just sat there. Looking around. Heard a women cry-moaning “Oh God, oh God, oh God” over and over again, and all I could think about was sex. That’s how removed I was.
And then they started singing “I love you Lord/We exalt thee.” A song I’ve loved since childhood. Gave me a warm fuzzy feeling and I started singing too. 3 seconds later I was angry. Wanted to chuck my Bible down the aisle and walk out. Imagined worshipers whispering, and muttering “that girl needs prayer, don’t let the Devil take control,” and the pastor saying “pray church pray.”
I controlled my impulse. Sat silently until the service was over. This was smart since I came with someone else who was enjoying it. Couldn’t really walk home.
Afterward, I cried. There is no panacea for life. All I can control is my perspective.
And that’s just depressing as hell. Especially when you have no hope of going to heaven.
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